Let's Talk...

I have noticed a trend. Or maybe it is more of a twitch. Several of the posts I have read in the last few days have been about difficulty in posting. Not being able to find the right words. Of feeling like the stories aren’t worthy of posting. That there is no value in the thoughts and feelings of the author. That perhaps they should take a break or even quit blogging. It makes me sad in a very personal way.

There is a huge gap in my blog - huge like months. During those months I would think of so many things to tell, but could never seem to force the words out of my head and into my blog. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for a couple of years now. Sometimes it seems impossible to start a task – even one I am looking forward to – for fear of having things go wrong. For fear of not finishing. For fear of failing. Just for fear of fear.

Looking back, I wish I had just posted. Quick notes. Just a picture. Even a single word. A few of those thoughts are in my scattered notes. Some I will remember when I look at my pictures. A few still rattle around in my head. Many are lost. Thoughts I felt were worth sharing; stories I found funny or touching; pithy sayings and quotes; valuable moments of life, captured in image and word. Gone like loose pages in the wind. I am sure I will find one from time to time, stuck in the tall weeds at the edges of thought, yellowed and curled from weather and time. I will press out the wrinkles – maybe copy them onto fresh paper. But even as I do I will think of the pages lost for good.

I have (mostly) learned now that my communications with my friends (and friends we are - even if we've never met) need not always be an inspired essay. But it is still hard sometimes. I wonder, “Is this going to be good enough? Can I make someone smile? Will someone relate to what I write? Could someone learn from my mistakes?” All these things are important to me. I write for me, but I write for you, too. I don’t speak in conversation because I like to hear myself talk – I speak because I desire to give value to my listeners.

So now begins the part of this post where I presume to understand your thoughts – or at least assume that you come to this imaginary land of blogs with the same sense of community as I. The thing I try to remember is that my listeners – my readers – are my friends. They don’t come to read for literature’s sake; they come to communicate – to be part of a community. I presume that you value my thoughts. I presume that you want to have discussions of substance with me. I presume that you wish to understand me better; to empathize with my troubles; to share my joys; to be friends. I must so presume or I am like the lady in the fountain – talking into the wind while others pass by. I do not believe that I am, for I come to your blogs for the reasons I presume you come to mine.

So, my friends learn from me. As Nike said, “Just do it.” Don’t quit; for I wouldn’t loose a friend. Don’t hold back; for I would know you better. Don’t hide your feelings; for I would laugh with you, cry with you, affirm you, encourage you, and support you as best I can. Don’t go away or shut me out; for my friends are important to me – old and new.

“Let us speak, though we show all our faults and weaknesses, – for it is a sign of strength to be weak, to know it, and out with it, – not in a set way and ostentatiously, though, but incidentally and without premeditation.”
– Herman Melville

“The time has come,” the Walrus said,
“To talk of many things:
Of shoes – and ships – and sealing wax –
Of cabbages – and kings –
And why the sea is boiling hot –
And whether pigs have wings.”
– Lewis Carroll

Let’s talk, my friends…

Note: While I am content with this post as it stands, in rereading it I recognized that it could be misunderstood. It is intended as an expression of the value I place on our little community and each of you whom I have come to know as friends. It is intended as an honest description of my struggles with depression and anxiety as they pertain to blogging. And it is intended as an encouragement to my friends who might be engaged in similar struggles.